My Favorite Things about Christmas

1. Decorating the Christmas tree with my brothers and sisters. It's not exactly designer quality, but it's whole lot more fun. :)
2. Drinking Eggnog.
3. Buying presents for people and then keeping them secret.
4. The smell of Christmas tree through the whole house. Who would want a fake tree anyway?
5. Baking Christmas cookies.
6. Christmas parties.
7. If we actually get snow, sliding down the dike by our house on a tarp.
8. Wrapping Christmas presents. I love seeing that stack of packages in the corner of my room.
9. Playing Christmas songs on the piano. (If I play them any other time of year, people think I'm crazy)
10. Wearing cute,pink, stripey mittens like the ones Aimee bought me for ice skating! :)
11. Snuggly sweaters
12. All the stores decorated so festively.
13. Getting Christmas cards.
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That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there's lots more!

sorry guys......i just couldn't resist

A Real Man

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking,
the following chain of events is put into motion:
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

A lady placed an ad in the classifieds :
"Husband wanted."
The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

O.C.C. bikes (you know you love 'em)

Two VERY sweet Orange County Chopper bikes.

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls or chocolate cake

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.


P.S. I, kayla, am an eggnog-aholic! :)

Christmas Shopping For Men

Buying gifts for men isn't nearly as complicated as it is for women.
So don't worry . . .
This timely list of rules will answer all your gift-giving questions for the men on your list. :-)

Rule #1
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8" socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. (I was told that if men were supposed to wear bathrobes, jockey shorts would not have been invented.)

Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy the man on your list a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips.
Forget the program - your entertainment will be watching him have fun!

Rule #6
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7
Buy men label makers. (Almost as good as a cordless drill.) Within a couple of weeks, there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8
Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says "Some assembly required." It will ruin his special day. He will always have parts left over.

Rule #9
Good places to shop for men include: Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA auto parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks!

Rule #10
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11
Tickets to a NY Giants game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, refer to Rule #7. (Remember what happens when he gets a label maker?)

Rule #13
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says "I love you" like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Have fun shopping :)

Mmm...my favorite...

*Oreos *Cheesecake *Lasagna *Fried Chicken *Lime Jello * Eggnog *Peanut Butter *Ham * Dark Chocolate *Cookie Dough Ice Cream *Double Cheese Burgers *Chocolate Milk *Bubble Gum Ice Cream *Mountain Dew *Hot Dogs *Brownies *Reese's Peanut Butter Cups *Green Beans *Caramel * Lemon Pudding *Fish 'n Chips *Pasta *Pizza * My Birthday Cake *Hot Chocolate *Cold Cereal *Mashed Potatoes with Gravy *Bacon *Waffles *Cinnamon Swirl Bread *Corn on the cob ................i could go on and on...........

dumb robbers

Jesus is Better Than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did.Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too.He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.
Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa Claus!

True Story

At about 9:15 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 9, a 23-year-old transient was caught for siphoning gas after he inadvertently caught his whole operation on fire. While using a bucket and a hose to remove the gas from a large utility truck parked at the Valley Cafe on Avon-Allen Road, the man checked how much he had stolen by using his lighter to help him see. The fumes from the gas ignited and a loud explosion followed, causing the suspect to run away. Fire and law enforcement officers arrived to find the truck and two vehicles parked near it engulfed in flames. They found the suspect a short distance away and identified him by the singed hair on his legs. He was booked into Skagit County Jail for investigation of arson in the second degree.

:D

POOF

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the smartest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

The Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect."

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.


The Wild Kid

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

On Donner, On Blitzen, Onstar

I'm so excited for Christmas!

Over There

Table For Two

The Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says," Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks," What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says," According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says," First of all, we're not going to be able to assemble theses pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said," Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then..........", he sighed," let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

starwars, oh yeah!

i just saw StarWars Episode Three the other day. it was really good, but it was kinda sad too. ...but i didn't cry. Aimee said that's because i'm strong...and then she changed her mind and said i was just cruel and heartless. Aimee didn't really like the movie. the whole time i was TRYING to watch it, she kept telling me about all the clothes she wanted to buy! that Aimee! i'm actually at Aimee's house right now. she and Britt are sewing Aimee's costume again. i was coloring pictures for the memory game at the Harvest Fest. i already colored THREE pairs. i am now very bored with that. i am also very bored with all this rain we've been having. mostly 'cause i have to drive home in it now. yeah, like Right now. 'cause it's late.

A Blonde Finally Wins

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Ways To Have Fun At The Expense Of Others

1. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

9. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

10.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

11. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

16. Honk and wave to strangers.

17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

19. type only in lowercase.

20. dont use any punctuation either

21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

22. Sing along at the opera.

23. Repeat the folloewing conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,it's gone now."

24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

25. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

26. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.